iScream for my iPhone.

About a month ago I became aware of a deal online at Telus where you can get a 'refreshed' iPhone for 30$ with a monthly plan. I immediately thought "30$, what a deal, and if it turns out bad, then I'm only out 30 bucks. What could go wrong?"
Everything apparently.
I hopped online on May 20th and ordered an iPhone, tra la la. They said it would be there within 3-5 business days. I put my work address down as Telus' instructions said they would not deliver to rural addresses. Okay then. I then continued to play email and phone tag for a week with the web orders on line store and helpline. I played along in the beginning but by the start of the 2nd week of still not receiving my phone I started to get a little peeved. I'd checked my bank statement and had indeed been charged for it so it should have been here by now. A lot of my calls to Telus went a little like this:
"Hi, and welcome to Telus. Press 1 for English, 2 for French.
I press 1.
"Hi, and welcome to Telus. Press 1 for English, 2 for French.
um, what? Press one again, a little firmer, just in case.
"Hi and welcome to Telus. Please press 1 for English 2 for...
I hung up. Swore. Took a deep breathe. Tried again. I don't know what I did right this time but after pressing 1,a 4, a 3 and 5, I got to a robotic voice asking me to enter my 10 digit phone number.
Well, I don't have my phone yet. So I don't have a number do I??? I waited calmly while the robot asked me three more times for my non existent phone number, and explained to me why I had to enter it so that they could better assist me. Soon enough I was put on hold to an agent. I went through my story, telling her I ordered a phone, hadn't gotten it yet, wonder where it is. Okay, she puts me on hold for a minute, asks me a couple of questions, then says she's going to transfer me to another agent. I asked her why, but never got a straight answer. Plus I have to start all over again with my story! What does she do? She puts me on hold, except she accidentally hangs up on me. My lunch hour now over I'm steaming mad. I give up for the day, sent a few more emails that went unanswered.
Called again a few days later on my break. I'm tired of explaining my story at this point so when I get an agent I just blurt out my account number I know off by heart now and let them read the story of my iPhone life, which apparently has been sent out and sent back again. Well good for it. Hope it took some pictures along the way! I get transferred, put on hold, etc. I'm using my 'angry voice' and scaring Helen who works in the office as well. My cheeks are flushed. I'm on hold for a good 20 minutes.
Buddy from Telus: I'm so sorry ma'am, but we have to get you to phone 18664882709 to deal with web orders. They should help you.
Me: Well, that's the exact number I called to get to you right now.
Buddy: What? Really. That's weird. I don't know how that happened.

 Buddy wants to transfer me to a sales person but I have to go back to work. I arrange for them to call me at home at 6pm when I have time.
I get home, wait patiently till 6pm. No call. I wait rather less patiently till 7pm. I get online and file a complaint with the head honcho communications people and tell them Telus has some serious issues. Press send. Phone rings, it's Telus, I think, well there's some instant response, that's what I'm talking about.
Except it's a man from Telus who is trying to get me to switch from Shaw Phones to Telus. Ironically that's exactly what I'm trying to do too sir!!! Thanks for helping guy in India!!! Except he has nothing to do with my iPhone so I hang up on him.
The next day I call again, on my break again.
Me: dialing 1-8664882709. Hi and welcome to Telus..." GRRRRRR.
Guy: Hi how can I help you?
Me: Can I give you my account number cause I'm tired of talking. I'll give you a minute to read my file.
Guy: Ya...there's some notes here. Please hold.
Me: You don't say... (footloose song plays)
10 minutes later.
Guy: Ya, so what I'm going to have you do is dial a different # for your web order.
Me: uh huh, and what number would that be do you think?
Guy: 18664882709
Me: well guy, that's the number I called to get to you right now. (Standing. face turning purple. grey hairs growing by the second)
Guy: whoa. That's not right
Me: Exact (swearing) conversation I had with you guys yesterday.

This guy was actually helpful to a point and in the end they wanted to make sure I was who I said I was and they didn't like that I had a different shipping address than my billing address. At one point I got so mad I snorted, and that's saying something. Long story short another appointment to call from my house land line so I could be who I said I was..?
At this point I really didn't want the god damned phone anymore, and my shiny dream of being part of the iPhone club and comparing apps was diminishing rapidly and I was about to murder the next person I saw, and the blood would be on Telus's hands.
So I got home on Friday, called up my dear friends at Telus, pressed one for 'I hate you so much Telus' in English and listened to 'Footloose' for the umpteenth time until I got a lady. She believed that it was me, and I was calling, and that the world was round and that I wasn't the person on the grassy knoll and that I didn't know what happened at the end of Sopranos. She said, yes, that's all good and asked me to hang up so she could call me at home. I silently nodded in defeat, questioned my existence and whether or not I actually was speaking English and hung up. Not 30 seconds later Telus called back again. A man who clearly did NOT speak English was on the other end, he was most likely at a call center in India in fact and was asking me about switching to Telus from Shaw. I could not believe it. The timing was too crazy. I was so astounded I didn't even let the guy get his allotted minute in so he could get paid.
Him: " ...and we would like to offer you a one time low-"
Me: I'm sorry, but does this call have anything to do with an iPhone?
Him: excuse me?
Me: an iPhone? On any level, will you be sending me an iPhone?
Him: uh, (rustles paper, checks his notes) uh, no.
click.
Two seconds later my lady calls me back, says I am who I say I am and says it will be delivered in 3-5 business days. Oh how I have heard that before.
So on Tuesday June 15th at around 10am the Purolator guy dropped my phone off at work and instead of an excited plonk it landed on my desk with a dull thud. I opened the box and inside it was a smudged phone, unwrapped in a box labelled "previously enjoyed iPhone." It was not shiny, it was not wrapped in an Apple box, it did not make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
It was disappointing but in the end I was excited about the new toy, and glad I had stuck through it to the end. My life motto is fight to the death or quit and die-never give up. Stick to your guns and hold your ground. Dad once said to me "some might call you obsessive, I'll just call you tenacious." I like it.
So the squeaky wheel gets the iPhone or however that saying goes and I'm currently waiting for my phone to make me dinner and change my cats litter. I'm sure there is an app for that.

Stanley

I will never win the Stanley Cup. I know this because I am a girl. And I can't skate.

Well okay, I can figure skate, but hockey is a different kind of power skating with moves and dekes that I don't have. 

The Stanley Cup was won last night by the Chicago Blackhawks who beat my Vancouver Canucks. I am okay with this because 5 of the players are from BC which is pretty awesome and a couple of those guys are from Penticton. These guys just won the Stanley Cup. The Holy Grail. The Reason You Play Hockey. No matter who wins I'm genuinely happy for whoever it is, as it is so much work just to make it to the finals, let alone win the damn thing, and the players revert to being kids and jumping on each-other when they win and their parents and spouses are there and it's all very, very weepy for me.

If I did win the Cup I'd be honored with one solitary day with it, as each player is once they win one. I would have a hard time planning my day around it.

It would travel everywhere with me. I mean room to room people. This thing would not leave my sight. I'd take it out for breakfast. I'd take a lot of photos of it. I'd like to have a picture of it on top of Whistler Mountain and on the Peak to Peak Chair, I'd have to somehow get it to mom as well, although if this is a fictional story, she was there when I won it. Anyways, I'd want to take it to Powell River to my Aunt's property just for the sheer beauty and photo opportunities on the beach. Stanley likes bonfires, so we'd have one.

I'd eat Cheerios out of it.
It would be the best Cheerios you'd ever tasted.
I'd lie on the couch with my arm around it and watch a movie.
I'd tell it my deepest darkest secrets (Stanley is VERY understanding.)
More photos.
There would come a time where I would just sit in silence and stare at it. (Editor's note: In the bath. With a glass of wine. Definitely)

After a day of Whistler/Powell River/Victoria we'd both be very tired so a steak dinner at The Keg should be in order. With family of course (and anyone I'd ever met) and Stanley would pick up the bill.

At some point the dude with the white gloves (real name: The Keeper of The Cup) would show up and take Stanley away so another player could share it with his family and friends.  And I would wake up from my dream of a dream coming true and wait for the Canucks turn to hoist the Cup of Cups one day.

Family Trees

My Auntie Marcie sent me an e-mail the other day asking me for some family history- a friend of hers, or a relative I've never heard of, is making a family tree and wanted my mom's parent's information. I thought sure, no problem, let me just call up mom.

Me: Hey Mom, where was Grandpa born?
Mom: 57 Albert Street
Me: Wow, that's specific. Maybe just give me a city and a year. That would be great.
Mom: Oh. I have no fucking idea. But his mother was the first person to drive a car in Ontario.
Me(in my head): seriously how the frick do you know this stuff?
Mom: Her last name was Shirk
Me: okay, so can you tell me where Ashley (my sister) was born?
Mom: At the original Grace hospital.
Me: Wait, is that Grey's as in Grey's Anatomy or Grace as in Amazing Grace?
Mom: the second one. You could still smoke in the hallways there too.
Me: excellent. I'll see if there is a spot for that on the tree. (in my head) OMFreakingLORD.
Me: Do you have any information whatsoever concerning when and where your parents were born or when they died? Any at all?
Mom: When who died?
Me:You know what? Maybe I should have just emailed your sister for this.
Mom: Probably.

File this one under "Things I should have known were going to be frustrating before I even started"