Boo hiss.
I immediately thought this was a bad thing. Everyone I told however, was jealous. I couldn't think of why, and I asked everyone how I could get out of it. Alison told me to become a lawyer and I would be immediately excused. Well, okay, but that seems a little excessive. Another told me to book a flight somewhere and I wouldn't have to partake in anything. 'Hmm, well that sounds like two-birds-one-stone-productive, maybe' Melody was jealous and thought it would be cool, Mom said 'walk in there and yell 'He's guilty!' and 'Act crazy!' Shannon said 'do it, the bad guy will be hot. They're always hot' Patti mentioned asking my employer to 'write a letter explaining how you are absolutely essential to the business and he can't get by without you' (I did this. I'm still waiting for a letter.)
My biggest problem with this is that I am to a fault, so so so very curious. I wanted to know what the case was for, who was picked, what the judges said. Whose fence was 3 feet over which neighbours land??So I told the boss I'd be gone for the morning, get out of it, and be back at work tra la la.
Note to self: If ever you are chosen for jury selection, bring a sandwich and a book. Better yet, bring chips and guacamole for all 300 of your new friends you'll get to know while waiting to be called into court.
And don't just bring one book, bring all 7 Harry Potter books. I guarantee you that you will make it to the part where Cedric dies and Voldemort returns before they call your name.
I arrived at 850 Burdett Street and followed the instructions to head to the 3rd floor. Once the doors opened there I walked out expecting...well I'm not sure really. But not an empty room except for 300 folding chairs set up in rows. 3 hours later and there was more people than chairs, everyone was chatting and wondering what was happening, and here is what I had learned:
1. My new friend Frank likes collecting Hawaiian and Blues records and was turning 60 that day. I told him I'd organize a sing along of Happy Birthday once we were all there. He didn't think that would go over well.
2. I was the only one that showed up in a Canucks jersey. What does one wear to jury selection anyhow?
3. There are civil jury selections and criminal jury selections. I was criminal. (Damn) *editors note: some civil trials last longer than criminal trials. That's scary.
4. I get bored really, really easily.
5. Everyone has a cell phone. They check for texts and calls obsessiviely.
5a) Everyone plays Tapzoo.
5b) Everyone plays Angry Birds
6. Throw 300 strangers in a room together and watch a social experiment unfold. It's fascinating.
7. Anyone and everyone will bring up hockey at some point. (It was playoff time, but still, we considered moving chairs and playing some shinny)
8. People have very strong opinions on Don Cherry.
9. Courtrooms automatically make you feel as if you've done something wrong. Your palms sweat and you feel all grown up ish. You're officially an adult, no more 'playing house' .
10. When the guard says "All Rise" this does not mean you're singing 'O Canada' (I thought we were)
I was raised watching many TV and movie courtroom dramas. You call the judge 'Your Honor' and people scream things like 'I'm out of order, this whole court is out of order!!!' and Objections and Overruled are hurled everywhere and OJ gets off because some juries are absolutely blinded by celebrity, even if the freaking blood trail leads from the crime scene to his car to his house to his bedside and the oh wait, I got carried away again. (OJ's blood was at the crime scene too. That's all I'm saying)
So I was ready for drama. But I forgot the protocol. When they say 'All Rise' you get up when the judge(in Canada it's 'My Lord') enters, and you sit after he sits, and you wait for him to tell you what to do and what the case is about and your civil duty as a human being blah blah blah, oh look, there's a box, why is there a box there, why is the guard guarding the box?
I AM NOT A GOOD JURY SELECTION PERSON.
I'm terribly bad at focusing and staying on point. Turns out I have trouble been impartial too, which is why I got excused. But I was still on the hook for another case they were choosing and let me tell you, it was like Juror's Idol- except you didn't want the lawyer to call your number, because it was 2pm and we'd been there for 6 hours with a 10 minute break and you looked for any excuse to get out of there.
Like Larry who was picked for a break and enter case and tried to get out of it like this:
Guard: "My Lord, the panellist would like to address the court""
Judge: "Very well. I'll allow it" (He said this, he actually said it, I squealed with delight)
Larry: "My Lord, I, um, (clears throat) I dated Judge so and so's daughter a couple of years ago"
Judge: snickering "Uh, well, in this particular case I don't believe that has any relevance here, so I, uh, will ask you to go ahead and take your oath"
He said this in front of 40 other people waiting or not waiting for their number to be called. I clamped my hands over my mouth to keep from guffawing, as I am wont to do.
So the jury was picked and I was not one of them (the judge told us 'if the lawyer challenges you or doesn't want you, it's nothing you did, it's nothing personal) we were allowed to leave. I'm sad to say there were no emails or facebooks or cell numbers exchanged and there were no long sad good byes between me and my new besties (Kathryn, I hope you caught up on all your marking) (Eric, after looking up 'learn to knit' on YouTube, ordering materials and having it delivered to the 3rd floor of courtroom 317 and starting the project, I hope you finish that sweater for your future kid).
Again, and I must stress, if you are ever summoned for jury duty, run the other way, book a flight, pretend you're over 65, make some sandwiches, bring a pillow, become a lawyer and bring a book(s).
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