I have a serious problem. I have had this problem for years and it's a habit that has never wavered or changed over the course of these years.
I, Dawn MacLeod, cannot put a book down.
I know. I told you it was serious.
Since June of this year I have read around 20 books. For a really long time I couldn't find a book that would hold my attention or capture my interest, which is very strange because I will read, and have read, just about anything. A list of books I've read this year:
Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortensen
The unauthorized biography of Axl Rose
Eating Animals by Jonathan Safran Foer
The Lost Dogs by Jim Gorant
The Hunger Games Trilogy
One Fish Two Fish by Dr. Seuss
The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo and it's sequel.
The Runner's Rule Book
I am Number Four by Pittacus Lore (secretly James Frey. Remember him?)
One Day by David Nicholls
Russell Brands My Booky Wook.
Clearly, I'll read anything.
As a kid I vividly remember the bedtime reading sessions with my Dad. He'd sit through many a Babysitters Club book just to hear me read and learn new words. I'm so sorry about that Dad, I'm sure it was painful and you probably nodded off more than a few times.Often when I was hyper about something or had big plans coming up (like visiting cousins!) and I couldn't sit still mom would tell me to get a book. One because I was pissing her off, two because she knew it'd calm me down. This is where the problem started. Because as soon as I opened up a book I'd dive in to that particular world with abandon. I get lost in the story and the places and the time and I have an insatiable drive to know what happens in the end, and therefore I stay up late reading until I either a) finish b) pass out with the lights on. I have this problem with red wine as well. I need to finish the bottle so that a) I know what happens at the bottom and b) I pass out with the lights on.
I happen to have 3 books on the go right now, and 4 books on hold at the public library. Good lord, what happens if all the books on hold suddenly become available? I'll be buried underneath the novels and I'll have to fall asleep with the lights on cause I won't be able to reach the switch!!!
Speaking of public libraries. These institutions are the greatest. Go in, sign out a book, walk out. You don't even have to pay. It's kind of like stealing. Okay, borrowing I know, cause generally you'll return the book in a couple of weeks, which is why people say the sentence "I just borrowed a couple of books from the library" which means they will return it. I went many years NOT going to the public library, preferring to build my own library at my house. I like collecting books I'll read again, and I like knowing that people will one day peruse my shelves whence they visit my house and comment something such as "oh, you've read 'The Origins of the First World War' aren't you just so smart and knowledgeable." Yes, yes I am.
And I kept my study books from my college days too, thinking 'well, I'm sure one day I'll skim through the pages of Psychology 101'. Eventually my collection got too big, I moved one too many times and books got too damned expensive, so I rediscovered the free wonders of the Public Library.
I also have a habit of walking and reading. People used to laugh at me when they saw me walking around town with my nose in a book. I can actually walk a fair bit without injuring myself, and I get to plow through a couple of chapters. Win win.
I'm so glad I have a love of books and reading in general, and an active imagination so that I can create the authors world in my own head and I can't wait to pass this on to my kids. I'd gladly sit through a hundred sittings of "Green Eggs and Ham" just to hear my kid read it to me.
I have a weird thing I do when I've moved houses in the past: the first thing I pack are the books, and the first thing to get unpacked in the new place are the books, cause it's not really home until you have a shelf full of books.
Enough blathering. I have a book to finish reading.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Dreaming my dreams
Killer robotic dogs trying to tear into Air Force One to kill President Obama.
Playing baseball with Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston (Before they were together. Let that blow your mind)
Flying through trees and waterfalls and other various landscapes.
Skiing so recklessly and jumping so high I jump over power lines but I always land perfectly.
Speaking of landing, I land triple Axel's a hundred times over.
More flying.
These are things I dream about.
I am a very active dreamer. My dreams have color, landscapes, mountains, oceans, snow, ice, sunshine, now that I think aboutit it never rains, plot points, motive, story lines.
The other night I had a dream there was an earthquake and my sisters and I had to climb up up up this shattered parking garage to get to the roof to safety and oh gosh, I got stuck, oh, I made it through thank goodness, and we got to the roof and lo and behold there was some random guy, and President Obama. Again! What is with that guy?? Anyways, he wasn't doing much president type stuff at the moment so I had to yell at him but he wouldn't listen and I wanted to take a picture of Obama but of course I didn't have my camera and it doesn't matter cause what I should have been wondering was how my sisters and I just climbed 40 storeys of a concrete parking garage and who random guy was on the roof.
As for messages or divine moments, the only true message I got in a dream was years and years ago and I was staying in some log cabin and wanted another sleeping bag. And someone there said "Don't take more than you need". Which I immediately woke up and wrote down cause it was such a clear image and I've always remembered that one. I used to write all my dreams down, as people say it helps improve memories and stuff but who has time in the morning really? Half the time I'm so mad at my alarm clock for interrupting my dreams that I can't remember what happened anyways.
There are dream interpretation books but there isn't much out there for killer robotic dogs and what they mean. Sure, I have the generic teeth falling out dreams that everyone has. And it either means that I'm coming into money, or I've eaten too many corn nuts.
Speaking of food, be careful what you eat before you go to bed! For instance, I ate Greek salad the other night and lo and behold I dreamt I was raising The Titanic...huh? what?
I love that I have an active, dreamy mind, that holds active, dreamy men but I just wish they would show his face already and that I would stop waking up before all the good stuff happens and that the killer robotic dogs would go haunt someone else's brain cause I want to have dinner with George Clooney again.
Playing baseball with Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston (Before they were together. Let that blow your mind)
Flying through trees and waterfalls and other various landscapes.
Skiing so recklessly and jumping so high I jump over power lines but I always land perfectly.
Speaking of landing, I land triple Axel's a hundred times over.
More flying.
These are things I dream about.
I am a very active dreamer. My dreams have color, landscapes, mountains, oceans, snow, ice, sunshine, now that I think aboutit it never rains, plot points, motive, story lines.
The other night I had a dream there was an earthquake and my sisters and I had to climb up up up this shattered parking garage to get to the roof to safety and oh gosh, I got stuck, oh, I made it through thank goodness, and we got to the roof and lo and behold there was some random guy, and President Obama. Again! What is with that guy?? Anyways, he wasn't doing much president type stuff at the moment so I had to yell at him but he wouldn't listen and I wanted to take a picture of Obama but of course I didn't have my camera and it doesn't matter cause what I should have been wondering was how my sisters and I just climbed 40 storeys of a concrete parking garage and who random guy was on the roof.
As for messages or divine moments, the only true message I got in a dream was years and years ago and I was staying in some log cabin and wanted another sleeping bag. And someone there said "Don't take more than you need". Which I immediately woke up and wrote down cause it was such a clear image and I've always remembered that one. I used to write all my dreams down, as people say it helps improve memories and stuff but who has time in the morning really? Half the time I'm so mad at my alarm clock for interrupting my dreams that I can't remember what happened anyways.
There are dream interpretation books but there isn't much out there for killer robotic dogs and what they mean. Sure, I have the generic teeth falling out dreams that everyone has. And it either means that I'm coming into money, or I've eaten too many corn nuts.
Speaking of food, be careful what you eat before you go to bed! For instance, I ate Greek salad the other night and lo and behold I dreamt I was raising The Titanic...huh? what?
I love that I have an active, dreamy mind, that holds active, dreamy men but I just wish they would show his face already and that I would stop waking up before all the good stuff happens and that the killer robotic dogs would go haunt someone else's brain cause I want to have dinner with George Clooney again.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
The Yellow Canoe
Summertime has finally arrived in Victoria and with it pilgrimages to lakes around B.C. and frolicking in the sunshine. And in my opinion, a lake is not complete without a canoe.
Growing up in Whistler on the edge of Alpha Lake near Creekside, I spent a lot of time in, on, or near the water. We had a 'private dock' where my sisters and I would launch ourselves off of, I would stand at the edge of the dock and fish with my Dad, or we would just lie on the dock and enjoy the view of Whistler Mountain and it's snowy glaciers. And invariably, we would canoe. We were the proud owners of a giant 300 pound (I'm sure of this) canoe which was the color of a classic yellow Post It Note. This canoe drifted along the River of Golden Dreams. It was the main character in many a portage from Alpha to Nita to Alta Lakes with my hippie parents and their hippie friends and us hippie kids. I spent most of my formative years floating around in it, swaddled in a bright orange life jacket that was always too big for me. And, I'll admit this now, my sisters and my parents and our dog Buffy all piled into the yellow canoe for a photo shoot for the cover of The Vancouver Sun at one time.
Anyways, one of my favorite and ever lasting memories of this canoe was the night Dad and I went out in it at night to watch the full moon rise. Now, I want to say this happened in November because I remember it being cold, and at the time it seemed kind of like a weird idea Dad would have randomly. Like "hey, it's cold out. You know what would be neat? If we went and sat in the canoe on the lake. Yes, this sounds like a great idea. Everyone will think I'm a genius."
Well, not everyone was in on this idea except for me. (This was also the case for the "let's sleep in the igloo overnight" idea.) So it could have been November but I also remember mosquitoes, but that could be poetic licensing. So off Dad and I went in the dark, bundled, down the trail and to the dock. We hopped in the canoe and paddled out a ways so we could get a nice clear view of the moon rising over the tip of Whistler. It was going to be amazing.
We waited. And waited. I started to say something along the lines of "well maybe we can go in now for hot chocolate" or "Dad, I can't feel my fingers" and Dad would respond "well let's just wait a few more minutes, the moon was supposed to rise at such and such a time. It was supposed to be amazing"
And it was amazing, except we didn't get to see it because the moon rose, oh yes indeed it did. However it rose just behind the peak and then continued to dip along the edge and behind the mountain staying out of sight. So if we had climbed to the top of the mountain we would have seen a moon that was full. However, we were on a lake and it was cold and maybe there were mosquitoes. We paddled back to shore and headed home. Luckily I was raised with a fantastic sense of humour and to this day whenever Dad mentions a full moon (no matter where we are) I shout out "QUICK GRAB THE CANOE!!!!" and we launch into the re-telling of the story of the yellow canoe and the invisible moon.
I went home last month for a visit and there was the yellow canoe resting happily on the side of the house. It has seen better days. It's patched up and scratched and fiberglassed and the edges are chipped but it's still yellow. Dad says all it needs is a little love and a fresh coat of paint and it'll be good as new. It shall live to float another day. And I think it's secretly still waiting for that full moon.
That's me in the back with my sisters in the canoe
Thursday, June 17, 2010
iScream for my iPhone.
About a month ago I became aware of a deal online at Telus where you can get a 'refreshed' iPhone for 30$ with a monthly plan. I immediately thought "30$, what a deal, and if it turns out bad, then I'm only out 30 bucks. What could go wrong?"
Everything apparently.
I hopped online on May 20th and ordered an iPhone, tra la la. They said it would be there within 3-5 business days. I put my work address down as Telus' instructions said they would not deliver to rural addresses. Okay then. I then continued to play email and phone tag for a week with the web orders on line store and helpline. I played along in the beginning but by the start of the 2nd week of still not receiving my phone I started to get a little peeved. I'd checked my bank statement and had indeed been charged for it so it should have been here by now. A lot of my calls to Telus went a little like this:
"Hi, and welcome to Telus. Press 1 for English, 2 for French.
I press 1.
"Hi, and welcome to Telus. Press 1 for English, 2 for French.
um, what? Press one again, a little firmer, just in case.
"Hi and welcome to Telus. Please press 1 for English 2 for...
I hung up. Swore. Took a deep breathe. Tried again. I don't know what I did right this time but after pressing 1,a 4, a 3 and 5, I got to a robotic voice asking me to enter my 10 digit phone number.
Well, I don't have my phone yet. So I don't have a number do I??? I waited calmly while the robot asked me three more times for my non existent phone number, and explained to me why I had to enter it so that they could better assist me. Soon enough I was put on hold to an agent. I went through my story, telling her I ordered a phone, hadn't gotten it yet, wonder where it is. Okay, she puts me on hold for a minute, asks me a couple of questions, then says she's going to transfer me to another agent. I asked her why, but never got a straight answer. Plus I have to start all over again with my story! What does she do? She puts me on hold, except she accidentally hangs up on me. My lunch hour now over I'm steaming mad. I give up for the day, sent a few more emails that went unanswered.
Called again a few days later on my break. I'm tired of explaining my story at this point so when I get an agent I just blurt out my account number I know off by heart now and let them read the story of my iPhone life, which apparently has been sent out and sent back again. Well good for it. Hope it took some pictures along the way! I get transferred, put on hold, etc. I'm using my 'angry voice' and scaring Helen who works in the office as well. My cheeks are flushed. I'm on hold for a good 20 minutes.
Buddy from Telus: I'm so sorry ma'am, but we have to get you to phone 18664882709 to deal with web orders. They should help you.
Me: Well, that's the exact number I called to get to you right now.
Buddy: What? Really. That's weird. I don't know how that happened.
Buddy wants to transfer me to a sales person but I have to go back to work. I arrange for them to call me at home at 6pm when I have time.
I get home, wait patiently till 6pm. No call. I wait rather less patiently till 7pm. I get online and file a complaint with the head honcho communications people and tell them Telus has some serious issues. Press send. Phone rings, it's Telus, I think, well there's some instant response, that's what I'm talking about.
Except it's a man from Telus who is trying to get me to switch from Shaw Phones to Telus. Ironically that's exactly what I'm trying to do too sir!!! Thanks for helping guy in India!!! Except he has nothing to do with my iPhone so I hang up on him.
The next day I call again, on my break again.
Me: dialing 1-8664882709. Hi and welcome to Telus..." GRRRRRR.
Guy: Hi how can I help you?
Me: Can I give you my account number cause I'm tired of talking. I'll give you a minute to read my file.
Guy: Ya...there's some notes here. Please hold.
Me: You don't say... (footloose song plays)
10 minutes later.
Guy: Ya, so what I'm going to have you do is dial a different # for your web order.
Me: uh huh, and what number would that be do you think?
Guy: 18664882709
Me: well guy, that's the number I called to get to you right now. (Standing. face turning purple. grey hairs growing by the second)
Guy: whoa. That's not right
Me: Exact (swearing) conversation I had with you guys yesterday.
This guy was actually helpful to a point and in the end they wanted to make sure I was who I said I was and they didn't like that I had a different shipping address than my billing address. At one point I got so mad I snorted, and that's saying something. Long story short another appointment to call from my house land line so I could be who I said I was..?
At this point I really didn't want the god damned phone anymore, and my shiny dream of being part of the iPhone club and comparing apps was diminishing rapidly and I was about to murder the next person I saw, and the blood would be on Telus's hands.
So I got home on Friday, called up my dear friends at Telus, pressed one for 'I hate you so much Telus' in English and listened to 'Footloose' for the umpteenth time until I got a lady. She believed that it was me, and I was calling, and that the world was round and that I wasn't the person on the grassy knoll and that I didn't know what happened at the end of Sopranos. She said, yes, that's all good and asked me to hang up so she could call me at home. I silently nodded in defeat, questioned my existence and whether or not I actually was speaking English and hung up. Not 30 seconds later Telus called back again. A man who clearly did NOT speak English was on the other end, he was most likely at a call center in India in fact and was asking me about switching to Telus from Shaw. I could not believe it. The timing was too crazy. I was so astounded I didn't even let the guy get his allotted minute in so he could get paid.
Him: " ...and we would like to offer you a one time low-"
Me: I'm sorry, but does this call have anything to do with an iPhone?
Him: excuse me?
Me: an iPhone? On any level, will you be sending me an iPhone?
Him: uh, (rustles paper, checks his notes) uh, no.
click.
Two seconds later my lady calls me back, says I am who I say I am and says it will be delivered in 3-5 business days. Oh how I have heard that before.
So on Tuesday June 15th at around 10am the Purolator guy dropped my phone off at work and instead of an excited plonk it landed on my desk with a dull thud. I opened the box and inside it was a smudged phone, unwrapped in a box labelled "previously enjoyed iPhone." It was not shiny, it was not wrapped in an Apple box, it did not make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
It was disappointing but in the end I was excited about the new toy, and glad I had stuck through it to the end. My life motto is fight to the death or quit and die-never give up. Stick to your guns and hold your ground. Dad once said to me "some might call you obsessive, I'll just call you tenacious." I like it.
So the squeaky wheel gets the iPhone or however that saying goes and I'm currently waiting for my phone to make me dinner and change my cats litter. I'm sure there is an app for that.
Everything apparently.
I hopped online on May 20th and ordered an iPhone, tra la la. They said it would be there within 3-5 business days. I put my work address down as Telus' instructions said they would not deliver to rural addresses. Okay then. I then continued to play email and phone tag for a week with the web orders on line store and helpline. I played along in the beginning but by the start of the 2nd week of still not receiving my phone I started to get a little peeved. I'd checked my bank statement and had indeed been charged for it so it should have been here by now. A lot of my calls to Telus went a little like this:
"Hi, and welcome to Telus. Press 1 for English, 2 for French.
I press 1.
"Hi, and welcome to Telus. Press 1 for English, 2 for French.
um, what? Press one again, a little firmer, just in case.
"Hi and welcome to Telus. Please press 1 for English 2 for...
I hung up. Swore. Took a deep breathe. Tried again. I don't know what I did right this time but after pressing 1,a 4, a 3 and 5, I got to a robotic voice asking me to enter my 10 digit phone number.
Well, I don't have my phone yet. So I don't have a number do I??? I waited calmly while the robot asked me three more times for my non existent phone number, and explained to me why I had to enter it so that they could better assist me. Soon enough I was put on hold to an agent. I went through my story, telling her I ordered a phone, hadn't gotten it yet, wonder where it is. Okay, she puts me on hold for a minute, asks me a couple of questions, then says she's going to transfer me to another agent. I asked her why, but never got a straight answer. Plus I have to start all over again with my story! What does she do? She puts me on hold, except she accidentally hangs up on me. My lunch hour now over I'm steaming mad. I give up for the day, sent a few more emails that went unanswered.
Called again a few days later on my break. I'm tired of explaining my story at this point so when I get an agent I just blurt out my account number I know off by heart now and let them read the story of my iPhone life, which apparently has been sent out and sent back again. Well good for it. Hope it took some pictures along the way! I get transferred, put on hold, etc. I'm using my 'angry voice' and scaring Helen who works in the office as well. My cheeks are flushed. I'm on hold for a good 20 minutes.
Buddy from Telus: I'm so sorry ma'am, but we have to get you to phone 18664882709 to deal with web orders. They should help you.
Me: Well, that's the exact number I called to get to you right now.
Buddy: What? Really. That's weird. I don't know how that happened.
Buddy wants to transfer me to a sales person but I have to go back to work. I arrange for them to call me at home at 6pm when I have time.
I get home, wait patiently till 6pm. No call. I wait rather less patiently till 7pm. I get online and file a complaint with the head honcho communications people and tell them Telus has some serious issues. Press send. Phone rings, it's Telus, I think, well there's some instant response, that's what I'm talking about.
Except it's a man from Telus who is trying to get me to switch from Shaw Phones to Telus. Ironically that's exactly what I'm trying to do too sir!!! Thanks for helping guy in India!!! Except he has nothing to do with my iPhone so I hang up on him.
The next day I call again, on my break again.
Me: dialing 1-8664882709. Hi and welcome to Telus..." GRRRRRR.
Guy: Hi how can I help you?
Me: Can I give you my account number cause I'm tired of talking. I'll give you a minute to read my file.
Guy: Ya...there's some notes here. Please hold.
Me: You don't say... (footloose song plays)
10 minutes later.
Guy: Ya, so what I'm going to have you do is dial a different # for your web order.
Me: uh huh, and what number would that be do you think?
Guy: 18664882709
Me: well guy, that's the number I called to get to you right now. (Standing. face turning purple. grey hairs growing by the second)
Guy: whoa. That's not right
Me: Exact (swearing) conversation I had with you guys yesterday.
This guy was actually helpful to a point and in the end they wanted to make sure I was who I said I was and they didn't like that I had a different shipping address than my billing address. At one point I got so mad I snorted, and that's saying something. Long story short another appointment to call from my house land line so I could be who I said I was..?
At this point I really didn't want the god damned phone anymore, and my shiny dream of being part of the iPhone club and comparing apps was diminishing rapidly and I was about to murder the next person I saw, and the blood would be on Telus's hands.
So I got home on Friday, called up my dear friends at Telus, pressed one for 'I hate you so much Telus' in English and listened to 'Footloose' for the umpteenth time until I got a lady. She believed that it was me, and I was calling, and that the world was round and that I wasn't the person on the grassy knoll and that I didn't know what happened at the end of Sopranos. She said, yes, that's all good and asked me to hang up so she could call me at home. I silently nodded in defeat, questioned my existence and whether or not I actually was speaking English and hung up. Not 30 seconds later Telus called back again. A man who clearly did NOT speak English was on the other end, he was most likely at a call center in India in fact and was asking me about switching to Telus from Shaw. I could not believe it. The timing was too crazy. I was so astounded I didn't even let the guy get his allotted minute in so he could get paid.
Him: " ...and we would like to offer you a one time low-"
Me: I'm sorry, but does this call have anything to do with an iPhone?
Him: excuse me?
Me: an iPhone? On any level, will you be sending me an iPhone?
Him: uh, (rustles paper, checks his notes) uh, no.
click.
Two seconds later my lady calls me back, says I am who I say I am and says it will be delivered in 3-5 business days. Oh how I have heard that before.
So on Tuesday June 15th at around 10am the Purolator guy dropped my phone off at work and instead of an excited plonk it landed on my desk with a dull thud. I opened the box and inside it was a smudged phone, unwrapped in a box labelled "previously enjoyed iPhone." It was not shiny, it was not wrapped in an Apple box, it did not make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
It was disappointing but in the end I was excited about the new toy, and glad I had stuck through it to the end. My life motto is fight to the death or quit and die-never give up. Stick to your guns and hold your ground. Dad once said to me "some might call you obsessive, I'll just call you tenacious." I like it.
So the squeaky wheel gets the iPhone or however that saying goes and I'm currently waiting for my phone to make me dinner and change my cats litter. I'm sure there is an app for that.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Stanley
I will never win the Stanley Cup. I know this because I am a girl. And I can't skate.
Well okay, I can figure skate, but hockey is a different kind of power skating with moves and dekes that I don't have.
The Stanley Cup was won last night by the Chicago Blackhawks who beat my Vancouver Canucks. I am okay with this because 5 of the players are from BC which is pretty awesome and a couple of those guys are from Penticton. These guys just won the Stanley Cup. The Holy Grail. The Reason You Play Hockey. No matter who wins I'm genuinely happy for whoever it is, as it is so much work just to make it to the finals, let alone win the damn thing, and the players revert to being kids and jumping on each-other when they win and their parents and spouses are there and it's all very, very weepy for me.
If I did win the Cup I'd be honored with one solitary day with it, as each player is once they win one. I would have a hard time planning my day around it.
It would travel everywhere with me. I mean room to room people. This thing would not leave my sight. I'd take it out for breakfast. I'd take a lot of photos of it. I'd like to have a picture of it on top of Whistler Mountain and on the Peak to Peak Chair, I'd have to somehow get it to mom as well, although if this is a fictional story, she was there when I won it. Anyways, I'd want to take it to Powell River to my Aunt's property just for the sheer beauty and photo opportunities on the beach. Stanley likes bonfires, so we'd have one.
I'd eat Cheerios out of it.It would be the best Cheerios you'd ever tasted.
I'd lie on the couch with my arm around it and watch a movie.
I'd tell it my deepest darkest secrets (Stanley is VERY understanding.)
More photos.
There would come a time where I would just sit in silence and stare at it. (Editor's note: In the bath. With a glass of wine. Definitely)
After a day of Whistler/Powell River/Victoria we'd both be very tired so a steak dinner at The Keg should be in order. With family of course (and anyone I'd ever met) and Stanley would pick up the bill. Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Family Trees
My Auntie Marcie sent me an e-mail the other day asking me for some family history- a friend of hers, or a relative I've never heard of, is making a family tree and wanted my mom's parent's information. I thought sure, no problem, let me just call up mom.
Me: Hey Mom, where was Grandpa born?
Mom: 57 Albert Street
Me: Wow, that's specific. Maybe just give me a city and a year. That would be great.
Mom: Oh. I have no fucking idea. But his mother was the first person to drive a car in Ontario.
Me(in my head): seriously how the frick do you know this stuff?
Mom: Her last name was Shirk
Me: okay, so can you tell me where Ashley (my sister) was born?
Mom: At the original Grace hospital.
Me: Wait, is that Grey's as in Grey's Anatomy or Grace as in Amazing Grace?
Mom: the second one. You could still smoke in the hallways there too.
Me: excellent. I'll see if there is a spot for that on the tree. (in my head) OMFreakingLORD.
Me: Do you have any information whatsoever concerning when and where your parents were born or when they died? Any at all?
Mom: When who died?
Me:You know what? Maybe I should have just emailed your sister for this.
Mom: Probably.
File this one under "Things I should have known were going to be frustrating before I even started"
Me: Hey Mom, where was Grandpa born?
Mom: 57 Albert Street
Me: Wow, that's specific. Maybe just give me a city and a year. That would be great.
Mom: Oh. I have no fucking idea. But his mother was the first person to drive a car in Ontario.
Me(in my head): seriously how the frick do you know this stuff?
Mom: Her last name was Shirk
Me: okay, so can you tell me where Ashley (my sister) was born?
Mom: At the original Grace hospital.
Me: Wait, is that Grey's as in Grey's Anatomy or Grace as in Amazing Grace?
Mom: the second one. You could still smoke in the hallways there too.
Me: excellent. I'll see if there is a spot for that on the tree. (in my head) OMFreakingLORD.
Me: Do you have any information whatsoever concerning when and where your parents were born or when they died? Any at all?
Mom: When who died?
Me:You know what? Maybe I should have just emailed your sister for this.
Mom: Probably.
File this one under "Things I should have known were going to be frustrating before I even started"
Monday, April 26, 2010
Lessons learned
Disclaimer!! I say all of this with love and compassion for my parents...I take nothing away from what they taught me and this isn't meant to be cruel or mean spirited. It's just the truth. Which sometimes can be cruel and mean spirited.
1. Feeling flu-ish? Mom: Drink rum. Hot Toddy's mainly.
2. Spicy food? Dad: Drink beer.
3. Always clean up after yourself. Dad: This pertains to grooming snow mostly. Never leave a mess behind, you've got to leave it smooth, like you were never there. Now when he cooked, this was a different scenario. The man leaves a messy kitchen like I've never seen. You've got 12 more bran granola flax muffins left on the counter when he's through.
4. Dad: Know where the fuse box is and how one 'works'
Side note: The thing about fuse boxes is that you could take ten thousand panels and line em up and they would all look exactly the same- half assed labelling, chicken scratch writing, abbreviations, old labels scribbled out and written over (toaster got replaced for the cappuccino machine, and what used to be the switch for the microwave is now the "brand new power tool extravaganza shed").
5. Safety first. Dad: if you are driving/walking through a construction site or walking by someone working an excavator/tractor/or any other heavy machinery, always make eye contact with the person before blindly strolling/driving through so that you know it's safe to cross and the operator knows someone is there.
6. Dad: Never sign a contract without reading it thoroughly.
7.Dad: Know how to use a CB radio and how to use a chainsaw.
8. Mom: Television shows go on hiatus before the months of November and May, in order to draw in more viewers during those select months and thereby winning the ratings war. Until then, it's repeats folks.
9. If your feet are cold put a hat on. Never ever ever were we allowed to turn up the heat. The wood stove did it's best woodstoving most of the time, but you'd normally find us fighting for the little ledge RIGHT beside the fireplace. Quite often we'd have burn marks on our pants. Luckily we had 16 layers on.
10. Visitation rights: Coming over to visit? Chat? Great- bring a load of wood in for the fireplace as you enter.
11. Mom : never date someone who is prettier than you are.
12. Mom: don't point at people. It's rude.
13. Laughter is the best medicine: Both Mom and Dad- Find yourself hilarious. Tell a bad joke to break the ice, and then chuckle at your own unique cleverness. Think to yourself "My gosh, I really am funny aren't I? I bet they've never encountered someone like me before" And they probably haven't met someone like you. But that's why it's such an awesome lesson. Quite often ( and if you've read any of the previous posts you'll know this)I've tripped in public or gotten tangled in my headphone wires at the gym while on the treadmill, and instead of getting flustered or embarrassed I make a joke of it. It's not that big a deal. I often wish I had a camera following me around for moments where I've walked into a pole (it's happened) or miscalculated a step or two (yup, been there) because I imagine it looks hilarious. And it's way better on you and your ego to think you are awesome than to get bogged down in meaningless mistakes or embarrassments from every day life. Just roll with the punches. And maybe find some better jokes.
14. Love your parents (something I've taught myself) They may drive you crazy. You may have to be the adult most of the time. You probably have a ton of traits that remind you of them and you might resent them for it. Don't. Embrace it, accept it, love the fact that you are so much like them and remember how funny they are, even in the moments that make you crazy, because it will help you get through it most likely. Exhibit A: my mother and any VCR.
Okay, I'm about done here. These obviously aren't the only lessons. And if they are then I am in more trouble than I thought.
1. Feeling flu-ish? Mom: Drink rum. Hot Toddy's mainly.
2. Spicy food? Dad: Drink beer.
3. Always clean up after yourself. Dad: This pertains to grooming snow mostly. Never leave a mess behind, you've got to leave it smooth, like you were never there. Now when he cooked, this was a different scenario. The man leaves a messy kitchen like I've never seen. You've got 12 more bran granola flax muffins left on the counter when he's through.
4. Dad: Know where the fuse box is and how one 'works'
Side note: The thing about fuse boxes is that you could take ten thousand panels and line em up and they would all look exactly the same- half assed labelling, chicken scratch writing, abbreviations, old labels scribbled out and written over (toaster got replaced for the cappuccino machine, and what used to be the switch for the microwave is now the "brand new power tool extravaganza shed").
5. Safety first. Dad: if you are driving/walking through a construction site or walking by someone working an excavator/tractor/or any other heavy machinery, always make eye contact with the person before blindly strolling/driving through so that you know it's safe to cross and the operator knows someone is there.
6. Dad: Never sign a contract without reading it thoroughly.
7.Dad: Know how to use a CB radio and how to use a chainsaw.
8. Mom: Television shows go on hiatus before the months of November and May, in order to draw in more viewers during those select months and thereby winning the ratings war. Until then, it's repeats folks.
9. If your feet are cold put a hat on. Never ever ever were we allowed to turn up the heat. The wood stove did it's best woodstoving most of the time, but you'd normally find us fighting for the little ledge RIGHT beside the fireplace. Quite often we'd have burn marks on our pants. Luckily we had 16 layers on.
10. Visitation rights: Coming over to visit? Chat? Great- bring a load of wood in for the fireplace as you enter.
11. Mom : never date someone who is prettier than you are.
12. Mom: don't point at people. It's rude.
13. Laughter is the best medicine: Both Mom and Dad- Find yourself hilarious. Tell a bad joke to break the ice, and then chuckle at your own unique cleverness. Think to yourself "My gosh, I really am funny aren't I? I bet they've never encountered someone like me before" And they probably haven't met someone like you. But that's why it's such an awesome lesson. Quite often ( and if you've read any of the previous posts you'll know this)I've tripped in public or gotten tangled in my headphone wires at the gym while on the treadmill, and instead of getting flustered or embarrassed I make a joke of it. It's not that big a deal. I often wish I had a camera following me around for moments where I've walked into a pole (it's happened) or miscalculated a step or two (yup, been there) because I imagine it looks hilarious. And it's way better on you and your ego to think you are awesome than to get bogged down in meaningless mistakes or embarrassments from every day life. Just roll with the punches. And maybe find some better jokes.
14. Love your parents (something I've taught myself) They may drive you crazy. You may have to be the adult most of the time. You probably have a ton of traits that remind you of them and you might resent them for it. Don't. Embrace it, accept it, love the fact that you are so much like them and remember how funny they are, even in the moments that make you crazy, because it will help you get through it most likely. Exhibit A: my mother and any VCR.
Okay, I'm about done here. These obviously aren't the only lessons. And if they are then I am in more trouble than I thought.
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